Suede shoes, spray paint and rock n' roll

This dream was pretty weird and had a few parts that didn't link together, but it had its funny moments.

I was visiting my friend Maritza, who lived on a strange plot of land that was part grass and part dirt lot. It had a number of small buildings on it that looked sort of abandon. I think it was some sort of commune or trailer park situation because people lived there, but it was extremely run down. Maritza had a little building where she lived and it was just a concrete square, but it had a full kitchen/living room/bedroom in it was very cute inside.


She showed me a pair of purple suede ankle boots with black and white stripes on the side that she had just bought on sale - she said they were originally worth $1100.00. I tried them on and they made my legs bend backwards at the knee like an ostrich. Maritza prepared a small plate of cold pizza squares and sprinkled black pepper over them. She told me to deliver them to an old man who lived across the lot, because he needed food plus he wanted to see Maritza's new shoes. So I delivered the pizza squares but came back right away because the grass was wet and I was afraid of ruining the shoes.

Kinda like this, but the stripes were black
and white and more horizontal

I changed shoes and we decided to go over to a rickety train-car/trailer looking thing that was across the field. It had yellow light spilling from the cracks and loud music was coming from inside. We went inside and there were a bunch of drunk people discussing how to turn the trailer into an art gallery. They were deliberating over the name they would call it, "Versailles" or "The Stop." We were sitting on two mangy old couches facing each other that had just enough room between them for someone to walk. A lady brought a kid with a big red afro into the trailer and we were like "he's too young to hang out in here!" but the lady insisted he would just fall asleep, and he curled up under a blanket on my lap and did.


The last part involved me having a job spray painting the heads of underground sprinkler heads bright yellow. I would lay on a skateboard on my stomach and ride down Ford Parkway in St. Paul, spraying them as a rolled by. There was a gang of teenage boys following me and trying to beat me up because I had caught them doing a crime and got them in trouble a few months before.


There was another vague part about me doing a bunch of psychedelic drugs and starting a band with three other people. I played the bass and the violin and I also sang, but a random girl we knew sat in on practice when I couldn't and the band decided to keep her as the singer, though I was still on bass and violin. This sort of pissed me off, but not really because our band had only two practices together and I knew I couldn't remember any of the songs, even though they were all cover songs. I remember thinking that the whole thing was ridiculous because we were all on drugs.


We were slated to play a big outdoor amphitheater and it was completely packed. We got on stage and I realized I didn't know how to play any of the songs and thought "okay, just pretend, you're only the bass player, know one will know." But before we started playing the girl singer said something to the effect of "Before we begin, I'd like to give a little shout out to Kate Iverson, who is one of the ugliest people I know" and then a jumbotron flashed to me and started flashing to other ugly people in the crowd who were laughing but I thought it was super mean. Then the camera flashed back to me and in real life I was covering my face with my hands and looking outraged, but the jumbotron showed me smiling really big and playing a little ditty on my violin, like a dork. I then stormed off the stage and that's all I can remember.

Summer Love with Mikhail Baryshnikov

This dream sort of started off like a Lifetime made for TV movie. It involved me (for some reason I was Bridget Fonda) spending a summer on a lake in a flashback sequence, meeting Mikhail Baryshnikov and having a whirl-wind romance in which we tied each other up back-to-back with bright yellow rope and would go walking around the lakeshore, tied together, doing weird gymnastics moves like kartwheels and handstands and back flips.


The dream fast forwarded to me being older, having been married, divorced and having a daughter named "Kelli" who was now 18 or so. I brought her and her boyfriend to the same lake for a vacation and we were riding in a row boat on the lake, as were many other people. We came into a little lagoon-type area and my daughter fell out of the boat and we fished her out. She said "Ouch! I think I was just stung by a stingray!" I didn't believe it at first because it was a freshwater lake, but when we looked over the side of the boat there were hundreds of small stingrays the size of sandwiches swimming around in the lake.


We got to shore and my daughter started getting really sick. Mikhail Baryshnikov was there and swept us all into his SUV and brought us to the hospital, saying she only had "minutes to live." We dropped her and her boyfriend off and Mikhail brought me back to his fancy house. I asked him "Do you remember me?" and he said "How could I ever forget." He had a daughter about the same age as mine and she was dismantling a red sign that said "Kelley" (our daughters had the same name, but spelled differently) and somehow she got the sign to read "Kelli." She declared she was bringing it to the hospital to liven up my daughter's hospital room.


Mikhail randomly brought me into town for some sort of big annual event that was going on. It involved a pack of about 20 gorillas in a pen, who were all shaking and tearing apart big white pillows. There was a team of high school football players outside of the pen egging the gorillas on and daring them to grab them and throw them as far as they could. The gorillas would grab a football player and hurl him into the street. The point was to see which player could get thrown the furthest.


The scene morphed to a conference room/cafeteria where Mikhail was debuting some sort of power point presentation he was really excited about. The only thing I could pay attention to, however, were two oval mirrors that were laid down on the counter by the cafeteria's register that had deer antlers attached to them. I kept wondering if they were going to throw them out and if I could keep them.


There was another random part about going through a Burger King drive through to get a "Transparent Hamburger" which was a bun with mayo, a whole bunch of shredded lettuce, ripped up pieces of bacon, and a hamburger pattie the size of a 50 cent piece. I didn't understand what was "transparent" about it, but I ordered two, and all the lettuce fell all over me. And that's when I woke up.

Alex the invisible fox/snake/baby

I was at a hotel working for a beauty queen who had won a pageant. We were in the "green room" of the hotel, which was a basement painted white with worn out carpeting, dirty old plastic toys, a mangy couch and a particle board desk with a computer on it. There was a random nerd guy who was in our entourage who didn't really talk, he just worked on a laptop the whole time.


While we were in the green room/basement waiting for the beauty queen to go make her appearance at the hotel, the floor somehow turned to sand and little fox-like tracks began appearing in it, but when you looked closer it looked like a smooth, snake slither path. The fox tracks kept padding silently in circles around the room and finally stopped right in front of me. I put out my hand to see if I could touch the invisible animal and there was nothing there, but you could see the sand move like it got scared and disappeared. When the beauty queen noticed this, she started smiling really big and almost crying saying that it had to be "Alex," her baby that died. She had to go make her appearance but ordered the nerd guy to write an article about it online.


I was in charge of making sure "Alex" stayed in the room until she got back. Somehow it became apparent that he was in a long storage space in the wall that had an old-timey cast iron stove door on it. I locked him in and stuffed a blue flag into the crack along the top so he couldn't ghost out. I just kept talking to him, saying "It's okay, Alex, your mom is coming right back, please don't leave" and other soothing things.


The last thing I remember was the beauty queen stalking across the lobby of the hotel with an entourage of people carrying her bags and photographers and reporters asking her about Alex. She stopped and got big tears in her eyes and told everyone that he was back and that she couldn't be happier. That's when I think I woke up.

Christmas Nightmares

So, I slept over at my parents' house on Christmas Eve in what one would typically construe as a super comfortable bed. But for some reason I woke up multiple times, had nightmares, and got up in the morning with a back ache. Merry Christmas!

A lot of the details are vague, but it started out with me trying to bamboozle the FBI, who in the dream were evil and trying to kill a teenage girl. I was somehow trusted by them and I was allowed in the FBI offices, where I stole a piece of paper that had a whole bunch of random scribbling on it, but was important to the case.


There was a chase scene that was inside a brightly lit warehouse. We kept trying to fool the FBI by getting on different freight elevators but we kept getting lost because the elevators were magically shifting and losing floors. The floors were all numbered and lettered strangely, like S9, GK3, etc. You could see the whole building like a skeleton and I could see the FBI closing in on us, and I think that's when I woke up.


I went back to sleep and had a serious night terror. I'm sure I was screaming (or at least yelping) in my sleep about it. I can only remember generic details about it but it was terrifying. I was in a strange house and a killer/rapist was in the house terrorizing me and chasing me around. I was screaming out the window "RAPE!" and "FIRE!" and no one could hear me.


The last part involved me running away from him through a rotating door that was spinning really fast. My only option was to run as fast as I could into it and hope I could squeak through. But I got pinned in the middle by the door and somehow it was a portal to the 4th dimension and my top and bottom half started blurring and expanding like balloons and all my organs were popping. I could see a bunch of repeats of the situation I was in. I could feel it cutting me in half and twisting upwards into a funnel type thing. I actually woke up because I was throwing up and choking in my sleep.

Grim Reapers, Photographers and Neil Gaiman

Just woke up from having a dream, but also think I stopped breathing in my sleep so I got kind of scared.

Anyhoo, the dream I had involved two unidentified guys that I apparently liked and was trying to impress. One was some sort of either actor or director and another was a theater photographer. I was at a show at the director guy's theater and suddenly he announced that they were going to do a sneak peek of their production of "Spring Awakening." The stage design was really weird and rough looking, parts of it were cardboard boxes stitched together and there was a big gap in the middle of the stage. I texted the photographer and told him to hurry down because I could get him onstage for the preview to shoot.

The stage was kind of like this but way weirder:

When the photographer got there he came on stage with me and the director guy was standing on the far front edge of the stage in a full-on grim reaper suit, narrating the play. We laid down on the ground by his feet to keep out of the way and the photographer detached his arm and said something about his arm being named "Frankenstein" and that he took it off to get better angles on photos sometimes. Parts of the theater in the way back started crashing down but the show kept going.


The grim reaper/director laid down with us and I was sandwiched kind of in between them. In the dream, I was wearing a bright orange hoodie (I would never in real life!) and the director got up and said he couldn't stand laying down with us because we both smelled like "fire." I tried to remember if I was at a campfire before but I couldn't. While he was gone, the photographer showed me his phone and said that people we knew were stealing his minutes and bandwith and that one of them had been playing an online game called "Falderfux" for two days straight.


There was another random part about me selling records at a charity sale, and having to wrack my brain to prove to a client that I was who I said I was. I kept thinking of how my tattoos could prove it and maybe a blood sample. And then I woke up.


Update:

So, I woke up at 4am, wrote the above, then went back to sleep. I had another mini-dream that I don't remember that much of, but it was pretty funny. It involved me riding the city bus with Neil Gaiman. He was wearing a soccer hooligan outfit and being sullen in the very back of the bus. I bopped back there and started being really annoying and asking him a million questions. I pointed out a manufacturing plant that I said was "the biggest in the state" and then the ruins of another that looked like a post-apocalyptic nightmare that "used to be the biggest in the state." I tried to tell him how I used to be a security person for Vanessa Williams and that I used a lot of "Neil Gaiman techniques" to protect her. The techniques included baking a dozen diamond rings into a pie and serving it to her daily. Another involved having a really talkative, annoying guy that was actually two guys that were identical tag-team people who we construed as a threat. That's all I can remember.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find Neil Gaiman in a soccer outfit! haha.

Husband Killer

This dream is one I scrawled down in a notebook the other night so bear with me...

I was at a cabin because someone in my family or maybe a friend's family had gotten married and all the main people involved were there. The cabin was set on a river bank that was all gray, slate-colored gravel and crystal clear water. Everyone was swimming to a floating square that was in the middle of the river but I refused because I saw a bunch of skeletons embedded in the gravel underneath the water. There were human skeletons, a bone-version of a stingray and a bunch of fish skeletons and a couple ox skulls.


The scene changed to the garden next to the cabin. I saw something white underneath some dirt and I brushed it away, only to discover it was a man's face. I got the bride and she started freaking out and showed me a picture hanging in the cabin of the same man when he was alive. She said it was her ex-husband and that she had killed and buried him there 20 years ago. She begged me not to tell and wanted me to help dig him up completely and re-bury him somewhere else, but I thought that was a risky plan. The new plan involved semi-re-digging him up, pouring lye all over the decomposing body (which was relatively in tact for being 20 years old) and then covering him up again with dirt and then a layer of decorative landscaping rocks. Somehow the bride's mother found out and insisted on seeing the body. She looked at him and just said "what a sorry bastard" and let us finish burying him.


There was another random part about the women in my family passing down all their diamond rings to the younger generation. They sat us down at a table that had a track that rotated, and threw all their rings onto it. We had to snatch whatever rings we could as it spun around. I got a pinky ring, an engagement ring, and a man's ring - all of them were covered in dozens of diamonds each. That's when I woke up.

My Tiger/Panther BFF

This dream was pretty short. Just a snippet, really.

I was best friends with a tiger who would morph into a black panther. We were in Africa, and on or just outside of an army base. The tiger/panther lived in a metal shed that stood about five feet off the ground on wooden posts, so other animals wouldn't mess with him when he was sleeping. He wanted me to move in with him but I was nervous he'd get shot if I did, because it would draw human attention to his home. The only other thing I remember is sitting in the shed with him making a "Best of 2010" list and he kept coming up with weird categories like "Best Leg Tattoo."


There was another random part of the dream that involved people going to an advance screening of a new Spiderman movie. The place where the movie was being shown was surrounded by geometric concrete structures. My friend Clement was there putting big stickers on the concrete slabs that said weird things like "Glee Girl" and "Where is Bingo." That's all I remember.

Fish, snakes and Japanese businessmen

This dream was totally creepsville in an understated way. So much so I woke up sort of sobbing and yelling at 6am and had to get up and write the dream down.

It started out with me in a strange hotel room with a Japanese business man. I think maybe I was his assistant and we were on some sort of shady business trip. The hotel room was sort of disturbing; it had bright red carpeting that was sort of crappy, wood paneled walls and really high ceilings. All the rooms seemed small but tall and there was very little furniture and no decor.


The business man ordered takeout and a 6-pack of Sapor beer but after it came a note arrived saying that an anonymous friend wanted to buy us an order of cream cheese wontons and that they would be sent to our room immediately. The businessman left to do something and I was alone in the room. When the delivery guy came with the wontons I let him him and signed a slip. I went to find tip money for him and he passed out on a twin bed that was in the room. I tried to feed him a beer to wake him up and his head split open and a lot of fizz spilled out and kept spilling all over the bed. The businessman came back and was calm but I could tell he was panicked. He thought someone had tracked us to the hotel and the delivery guy's head cracking open was a homing signal of sorts. He instructed me to turn on some really loud punk music so I did. Someone came banging on the door and we just sat in the room and waited until they went away.


The dream changed to me outside of a mall (I think maybe HarMar Mall?) and a bunch of guys who looked like Genghis Khan (or what I'd expect Genghis Khan to look like anyway) were unloading huge racks of clothing and linens--I think they worked for a dry cleaning company--and somehow I got in the fray and knocked a huge rack over. They all started screaming at me and I tried to help in vain to put the rack back together. I realized that they were running drugs inside the hollow insides of the racks and I started to get scared that they knew I knew. I knelt down near a curb on the street and started sifting through dirt and sand and pulling out little springs and sprockets and hardware pieces that had fallen off the racks and giving them to the Genghis Khans - this seemed to appease them.


The next part switched to a weird abandon loading dock across the street from the mall. I was with a group of people who were supposedly my family but they were people I'd never seen before. We were salvaging old fish tanks and we found a big one that still had about half the water in it. We put it on a pedestal and suddenly a bunch of big fancy fish that had been dormant and had been laying flat on the bottom of the tank began to pop up. They were all gold fish hybrids but some were in huge angel fish format and you could tell they were starving.


I became panicked about feeding the fish but we couldn't find any food on the loading dock. Randomly, a veterinarian wandered over and I kept trying to get her to tell me what to feed them but she wouldn't acknowledge me. She just kept saying she "knew" one of the big angel fish and she couldn't believe he was still alive. I went across the street to the mall and somehow bought a live snake, which I intended on feeding the fish. On the way back he kept getting away and I'd pick him up again and he'd bite me multiple times.


Once I got back to the loading dock the scene morphed back to the Japanese businessman's hotel room. We'd apparently moved the tank there and I was really pissed off about the snake at that point. I held the snake by the tail and smashed his head against the wall and he kind of splayed open but it was all still snake skin, no blood. Somehow by me doing this, it caused a girl with blonde hair to materialize on the floor of the hotel room. She was dying because she was an extension of the snake somehow and she was vomiting a sort of yellow-green gel and spasming against the wall. This is when I woke up crying/yelling.

FBI Hamburgers & Unitards

I had this dream two nights ago and I wrote it in a notebook all scribbly and I couldn't really decode it completely. Long story short, some of the details are missing.

Anyway, the dream started out in an elevator lobby that had all sorts of yellow colors, like warning signs, caution tape and the like. You needed a special badge to get through the glass doors into the offices and eventually I realized that it was an FBI office. Somehow, I knew someone who worked there and he got me in and signed me up for a job interview. The interview consisted of me having to select raw hamburger from a refrigerator case and make the most efficient and delicious burger. Everyone else was making paper thin patties but I made a small, thick mini-burger type patty. Dwight from the show "The Office" was there and he decided he wanted one of mine, so I had to go back to the case and get more meat to make him one.


The scene changed to a huge atrium in the FBI building, not unlike the government center in Downtown Minneapolis. My sister was there sitting on a marble ledge with about 15 African kids surrounding her. They were all ages and most of them looked really sick; they were super skinny with distended stomachs, they had flies buzzing around them and some of the younger ones had huge, hollowed out eye sockets with what looked like vaseline filling them with a black marble in each. My sister said someone had "fished the babies out of the river" and that she was nursing them back to health. I offered to walk with them to their next stop (they were on a walking tour of the FBI building) but the kids couldn't follow instruction, they starting running like maniacs everywhere and FBI workers started screaming "TERRORISTS!!!"


The scene changed to a photo shoot that I came late to apparently, and the photos had been shot without me. I was a little bit pissed off but kind of relieved because I didn't really want to do the shoot anyway. I started looking through the images that they shot and they were of four girls in pearl white unitard type things that each had one letter on the chest. It was supposed to spell something important (like a brand name or something) but whoever took the pics never got them all showing their letters at the same time. There were pictures of them wearing jackets over their outfits and all kissing at the same time; there were pictures of them tangled amongst multiple dirty white horses. One girl was giving the devil horns hand symbol by a horse's tail. I remember being livid about the whole thing and I think that's when I woke up.

Pop stars, mustaches and mullets

There's a lot I'm forgetting from this dream...

The first part involved me managing a new female pop star that looked like Taylor Swift. She was going to her first awards show and I was getting the finishing touches put on her gown, which was a sculptural emerald green silk dress made by local designer Emma Berg. For some reason, I brought the dress to my mom's house, and she started adding all sorts of terrible elements to it, like a green velvet cape with white crocheted ruffle around the edges and huge white cotton lapels with eyelets and cut out shapes.


I was in an uproar because there were only hours until the awards show and my mom was ruining the dress, and not listening to anything I was saying (true to real life form). But the pop star seemed to like everything she did to it and I was like "it's your funeral. The red carpet critics will not be kind." I continued to be in a panic and all I could think was "Emma's going to have my head on a stick for this!"

I tried to super-fast photoshop something similar.
You get the jist even though it looks like shit.

The dream then switched over to me riding in a crappy car with three dudes. I was in the backseat with a guy with a zany mustache and the two guys in the front had extreme beards. We were all piled really heavily with strange items like backpacks, pots and pans and animal pelts. Mustache guy and I were under the same layer of junk and smashed really close together. I had my hand on his chest but he said it wasn't his chest and there was someone else under the junk with us. I got really scared but kept my hand on the random chest anyway.


The last part involved me in some sort of small town dive bar. I was either judging some sort of hair contest or convincing people to change their style. I think it was part of a reality TV show. There was one guy with anime character-style hair that was black and stuck out in huge spikes that were sort of droopy. They felt like real plastic. Another other guy had a thick, curly red flat top with mullet that was one big dread that went down his whole back. There was another guy that just had regular long hair, Axl Rose-style. I was trying to convince them all to shave their heads and I even had a clippers but they were all reluctant. I think that's when I woke up.

Imagine this with a ginger flat top attached!