Monday, November 7, 2011

Clothing dispensers, hair sandwiches, and underwater vampires

I felt like I desperately needed a program that would organize and dispense my clothing so I enlisted 3 nerds (Clement, someone named David, and someone I can't remember the name of) to help me create a prototype that involved a laptop and a candy vending machine. The program would show all my wardrobe (dresses, tights, socks, underwear, shoes, jewelry, etc) and I could create outfits virtually and it would even offer suggestions of things that matched. When I chose the outfit I wanted, all the components would come out of the candy machine, heat sealed in film reel containers (even the bigger pieces like shoes and dresses, and somehow nothing would be wrinkled.

The nerd David had apparently worked with my company before and offered to come over and make us all his "famous egg sandwiches". David had back problems so for some reason he wore one high heel women's shoe and one flat shoe--it made it easier for him to bend over. He came over to a big warehouse with a girl who looked really cool and futuristic and she set up a sandwich making booth and asked if I wanted my favorite sandwich which apparently was Gorgonzola cheese with curly synthetic hair in it.

There was a vampire girl somehow in the mix that needed to be babysat while the nerds created the program. She was an underwater vampire so I had to go with her into the ocean by the Statue of Liberty. We swam through some normal underwater stuff, like schools of fish, etc, but came upon an underwater graveyard and we could see figures rushing into a massive hallway on the other side. In the hallway there wasn't water but it was all sewer muck with garbage and corpses embedded in a thick mud. I saw a lot of sparkly bits of jewelry and started picking them out of the mud. I came across a Lund's bag filled with my own stuff. There was some clothing and lots of jewelry that I actually used to own but lost, I started stuffing everything into my pockets. It became apparent that the big muddy hallway was the gate to heaven so we didn't go all the way down.

There was also a random part about me creating an art installation that was a pyramid of light boxes with abstract b&w photography mapped onto it. If a person walked by they would be turned into an abstraction on the screen. There was also a little snippet about me using the clothing dispenser and going to work in an office but when I got there I realized that I was wearing only one boot and one leg/foot was completely bare and my leg was really hairy like a dude's leg. I called the nerds in a rage because their program for the clothing dispenser still had bugs in it.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Trailer homes and frilly death toilets

My dream last night was very distressing to me for some reason, despite the fact I have way scarier dreams on a regular basis. I think it had something to do with making a very bad decision in the dream. But anyhoo...

I worked freelance for a machinery plant in Columbia Heights writing three cool event blurbs a day and sending them out in an e-mail blast. My sister worked at the plant too but actually doing mechanical work (what they made at the plant, I am not sure). I was in the office one day and noticed something shiny outside. It was a trailer home made out of all metal, sculpted in a similar style to the Weisman Art Museum. I asked how much to rent it and they said only $600 a month. I thought it was the coolest thing ever and asked to sign paper work on it right then and there, without seeing the inside.

When the owners of the plant took me inside, I immediately started regretting my decision. It was really filthy and was packed with weird old lady stuff and garbage. There were some cool things like huge wood tables and display cases full of unusual old trinkets, skeleton keys, and ornate wood and metal embellishments. I immediately started sifting through them and pocketing pieces I thought artist Michael Thomsen would like to use in his sculptures.

The worst part of the trailer, however, came when the landlords told me that the old lady who lived in it before, Irma, had died there. She apparently died on the toilet and fell over face first onto the floor and was there a long time before someone had found her. The toilet was like a big round chair with flowery fabric and frills a attached to it, and there was a random piece of glass over the actual bowl that still had a poop streak on it from Irma, and there was a big grease spot on the floor in front of it where she had rotted for awhile.

Kind of like this but with frills, and round, and uglier.

At that point I was freaking out about how I'd get out of the lease I signed but they wouldn't let me out of it. Then it came to light that a huge monster that looked like Paul Bunyan came with the trailer, and he was immediately after me. I ran into the machinery plant and was slipping through secret passage ways and into the bowels of the factory but he kept busting through metal doors to try to get me. Eventually he got distracted by a woman in a golf cart that was driving through the hallway and left me alone. I can't really remember what happened after that, but I woke up in a real panic.